There is a universal rule: the same input is not going to end up with a different outcome.
If you follow the same recipe, the end cooking would 99.9% taste the same or very similar. If You Want Different Results, You Have to Try Different Approaches. Albert Einstein is quoted on this, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
Insanity if you want to have a different ending with the same person (assume that both do not change).
History repeats itself over time. It could be a different time or place, but with the same two person, the odds are that the same thing would happen. Personality is hard, hard, hard to change, unless a person see a reason or a need and choose to change it himself/herself. It is impossible to change other person by external force.
Therefore, if you are considering getting back together with your Ex, it may be demotivating but I’m just telling you in terms of logic: that the odds are against you.
It does not mean that it is impossible or can never be done though. If two people love each other enough (or one love the other enough), he/she will undergo some deep reflection of the relationship after the break up. After asking a thousand times “why this happened”, the real answer could be found if you are honest with yourself.
For me, communication is a big one. Relationship is more or less about managing expectations. Let me give you an example.
Suppose you are starting out with vlog, you need a vlogging camera. You want something light, with good stabilizer so that you do not have to worry about handshake while recording your life anywhere anytime. There are many choices — each with pros and cons. The one with more outstanding functions could be more expansive, and the more affordable ones could have some flaws that perform more inferior. All in all, it is a matter of weighing in all the pros and cons and seeing which one fits your needs the most.
I chose one priced affordably but with some shortfalls that I either do not mind or I can find some ways to resolve that to make it work well for me.
This is the same as choosing your significant others.
Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect. It is a matter of weighing in the goods and the bads and see if you can live happily with the bads of a person for a long time.
If there is something that goes to the fundamental differences i.e. principal differences, then those are hard to resolve and that is a sign that this person may not fit your needs.
On the other side of the spectrum, if it is something relatively minor e.g. lifestyle, expectation etc, which could be resolved with better communication or deeper understanding among the two people in the relationship, then this could still be in the consideration list.
To find this out, first you need to be very honest with yourself about what happened. Try not to put yourself in the victim role and review this from a third party’s perspective or bird eyes’ view. The way you can do this is by thinking if this happens to one of your close friends, what would you think is the reason these two separated? What do you think went wrong?
Second you need to be very honest with yourself about what you need — what you are really looking for in a partner. Does what went wrong goes against the fundamentals of your need?
Time heals.
After some time, people tend to forget and wounds are healed. And they begin to think about the good times they have together (and forget about the end result). It is always easier to go back to the ‘comfort zone’ rather than going out and risking one’s heart with new strangers (not to mention you have to put in the efforts and time to go through the whole process of getting to know each other and test out each other’s boundaries etc.)
Keep a cool head. Don’t let emotion of loneliness hijacked you.
What happened can happen again, if both of you have not changed. It is one thing to realize the problem in the previous relationship and another thing to change. If everything is unchanged except the time or place, do you expect a different result this time?
One way you can explore this is, if you are in good terms with your Ex and notice that he/she still have a feeling for you, then it would be best before you decide whether to get back together to explore this question: given who we are now and who we would be willing to change/compromise to become, would we come to the same ending as last time?
If that person cares for you, he/she will think about this question carefully. Give them some time. Do not be afraid. It is an act that you respect his/her time and emotion as well as yours.
The last thing either of you want is to get back together out of emotion and then find out that you guys really do not fit each other’s needs therefore have to go through the painful process of breaking up again.
And your partner will appreciate your honesty and courage in bringing this up because it is not easy to take the initiative and control over oneself to ask the important question compared to simply act following the emotions.
Emotions are constantly changing. And if we do not train ourselves to do what is right for us and for the relationship but simply submit to the fleeting emotions, we may do something that we regret. Worst of all, if you waste too much time with the wrong one, you may miss out the right one for you or have him/her waiting long for you.
And last but not least, this is a test for your partner as well — to see if he/she loves you enough. You are going to face daily challenges together as a couple. If there is not sufficient love and understanding underneath, sooner or later it will fall apart. This ‘honesty session’ is just the first hurdle.
